judging judy

last summer i lost my sunglasses and i still have not replaced them. yesterday i set out to macys, which i think is the biggest department store here in nyc, it's huge! i found my way to the sunglass section. there, my eyes fell directly upon a lady that was hard to miss. she wore a little mini dress, her hair was long and pretty, all the right accessories and make-up in place and high heels. when i saw her i thought 'high maintenance.' i thought that i don't have the time or interest to look that well put together, add to that laziness. i said to myself 'stop being so judgemental.' so i stopped and behaved myself.

soon afterwards she wandered over to me and asked my opinion about a pair of sunglasses that she was trying on. i gave my opinion, and mentioned that she looked really pretty. i said you look like you have just stepped out of a magazine. she did. she blushed and after thanking me mentioned that she wanted to pick a pair of sunglasses for herself. she said that her husband always picks her sunglasses for her and she doesn't particularly like them. this time she was going to choose for herself and choose a pair finally, that she likes herself. i thought to myself 'you go girl!

in a moment of about a half hour we shared our time and space, trying on many different pairs of shades, chatting and giving our opinions. she was sweet. it was nice to share a moment with her. when all was said and done we both found a pair that we liked for ourselves very much and soon bid one another adieu.

i thought to myself... 'see. be nice, and don't be so judgemental.' i do try, but i slip up from time to time....

garden prowler

as a gesture of cheer i took some roses to my friend h. i mentioned before that she has twisted her ankle and she is on the mend. that afternoon the scent of the roses mingled with the incoming sunlight as we munched and chatted the afternoon away. i mentioned to her that whenever i smell roses it takes me back to being a little girl. i used to visit my grandmother every weekend. the lady who lived in the house next door kept a beautiful rose garden. i would wander over and literally sit in her garden and break off her roses. i was in heaven in the midst of the beautiful smells and the soft velvety touch of the petals. i would separate the petals and allow them to fall all over my legs and bare feet. the next door lady would catch me in her garden, scream at me and chase me out. i had no idea why, it was such a pleasure to be in such a special space...

it wasn't until i was older that i realised what i had done. can you imagine the work and care and commitment that goes into growing a rose garden only to have your flowers plucked up by some strange wandering little girl...

i've read that the part of our brain that is for scent is right next to the part for memories. the scent of roses always plops me right back to when i used to sneak into that rose garden...

the fragrance always stays in the hand

of the one who gives the rose.

~george william curtis

simple things

last year i read a book titled 'mothering without a map.' i read a review and thought that it might be helpful for me personally. the book is about women who have had painful relationships with their mothers, and how they can go on to be good mothers themselves. i wasn't thinking of becoming a mother. mostly i was thinking that perhaps the book could give me better insight into the painful relationship that i had with my mother in my wish to heal. here is a bit of what has been written about the book...

'every woman longs to be a good mother. but what about women who grew up 'undermothered' __whose own mothers were well-meaning but unavailable, absent, distracted, or depressed? how are they to become the good mothers they aspire to be?
in this beautifully articulate book, Kathryn Black offers affirming news: ...there are other paths to discovering the good mother within; here she offers real-life examples of women who have transcended the patterns set in their childhoods to lead richly satisfying lives.'

i was thinking that i could possibly transcend my painful past with my family and try as best i could to learn to love and nurture myself. this book was incredibly helpful.

i thought of this journey that i have been on to love and nuture myself because of a really simple thing that i did this morning. i went out and bought many of the things that i need 'in abundance.' you see when i was a girl much of what i needed i had to ask for. i was lucky enough that when i did ask my mom would give me the money to buy them. (dad was not around) but what i think i learned from this experience is that i waited for the need to arise before i could do something about it. but what has happened because i am learning to care for myself is that i am old enough and hopefully wise enough to anticipate what i may need and prepare for and fill that need ahead of time. you see i am learning to work more so from a place of abundance as opposed to need. and fortunately many of us are privileged enough to do this. i am simply talking about goodies like soaps, and deodorants and cremes and girl stuff in general that we should have on hand to care for ourselves. in general when i run out of something, i replace it. over the years and through the tears that i shared regarding my relationship with my parents, i never taught myself many of the basics that we do learn from our parents. i am learning now that thankfully i can do much of these sweet things for myself. i no longer have to mourn the love and nurture that i did not have. i can do the best i can to love and care for me myself.

and it is a sweet surprise to find that i am really enjoying it. now that i know that what i missed is still available... i enjoy deeply walking into a shop and choosing sweet soaps and cremes that are not only necessities but remind me that i am so deeply worthy of not only being cared for physically and emotionally, but that i myself am a big girl now with a big heart and i can share love with myself.

so often as bloggers we may wonder 'how much is too much information?' but i wanted to write about this because i had mentioned to n. once, that when i write things out i learn so much more and more profoundly. plus, i am fortunate enough that those of you who pop in on this blog have been kind and friendly. i feel grateful that i can share and grow in this space...

city life!

how was your winter?

the sun is high in the sky today. while out walking i noticed how much we all need a bit of sunshine and warm weather. today is beautiful! people are out and about smiling and enjoying the day. it could just be me, but i sense a bit of relief in the air. i'm thinking that we've been closed indoors and closed in on ourselves this past winter and it just feels good to sit in the sun. to be outside, maybe out of our heads, away from our jobs and responsibilities for a moment is refreshing.

april can be tricky, weather wise. it could rain at any moment. but rumour has it that the sunshine and warmth should be with us for a minute and it just looks like we all need it.

there is a relief from the cold wintry snowy days that are slowly becoming the recent past.

today i'll pack a 'little lunch' and have a picnic in central park.

i hope you and yours are well...

breaking bread

it once was said to me to be careful and intentional about who i 'break bread' with. the idea is that when we spend time with someone or someones we begin to become a part of one another. we not only share our thoughts and opinions, we share ourselves. taking on one another in mind and spirit.

these past few days i have been galavanting around the city with m. and b. from germany. though i've passed some time with them before, they for the most part are friends of a friend. i haven't really had the opportunity to spend time with them alone. when passing time exclusively it takes on a whole other level of intimacy. while meandering through the streets of manhattan we shared stories of growing up, our present day interests and concerns, some of our dreams, stories about people we love...

and i am beginning to see how over time, whether consciously or unconsciously, if we spend enough time together, we become a part of one another's lives. friends. so the thing is, if we can see clear enough, i guess that when spending time with someone, we should have a sense that it really is someone that we want to share ourselves with, and we want to be receiving of who they are as well.

i could not help but think of a. he and i had been best friends for what seems like forever and a day. joined at the hip almost. my buddy. partner in crime. when he met the lady who is now his wife, our friendship slid slowly to an end. she did not want him spending time with me, and to keep the peace and to please her i no longer see him. it has taken me a long time to get over not having him in my life (not sure if i am over it). when the years passed and i wondered why it has taken me so long to get past the whole situation, i began to realise that not only had we grown up together, we had grown into one another. i carried him, his hopes and his dreams in my heart. i'd like to think he did the same of me. he was in my system, and like it or not, just as our friendship was many years in the making, even if i wanted to, i could not just flush it or him out of my heart. it's been three years since i've seen him. it hurts a whole lot less now. and i am glad that it is taking me time to get 'over' our friendship, because if it were so easy to get over it, i would have to question whether it was genuine in the first place.

sometimes i get to missing 'breaking bread' with him. but life in it's ability to bring into play that which is new and lovely, i wonder about my friendships now and the friendships to come. missing the ones that have had their time, and loving the ones that present themselves presently... i am open and careful and intentional, as best i can. nothing and no one is perfect, but we try...

familiar strangers

there's a tiny little 'cafe' that i visit that serves indian food. it's a cute little spot with delicious food. it has an incredibly informal and fun atmosphere. folks on the go stop in for a friendly, tasty quick bite and are off in no time. the 'chai tea' is delicious (knowing that 'chai' is the word for tea, but somehow that's what it's called), so it's sweet to take a moment to sip a warm cup of chai and just be... alone or with friends.

yesterday i spoke a bit with y. who was granted asylum here in the states as he is from tibet. we spoke about his children, the time he spent in india, as well as some of his experiences here in the states. it didn't just happen like that. our little friendship has been brewing for quite a while. over time, when i stop in for a nice warm meal we trade smiles, and then hellos, and then 'how are you's,' and when i don't come for a while 'where you been and how have you been...' yesterday as we got to talking about new york culture, the high price of rents, and his wife and children who are coming soon from india... it dawned on me that these are the makings of relationships, how a person or persons go from being strangers to sharing our thoughts and experiences. it's a nice flowering to our days and our lives...

be kind and rewind...

i had an incident which reminded me of the first time audrey hepburn and carey grant met, though the outcome was not as lovely. yesterday while reading in a cafe i accidently spilled my beverage onto a stranger's off white suede jacket! can you believe it? it was one of those moments that seemed to happen in slow motion. i saw my drink slide off the table, suspend mid-air for a moment, before settling on said stranger's jacket before finding its way onto the floor. i wish i could take back that moment, rewind and have a different outcome. but i guess it just doesn't work that way. i jumped from my seat to apologise to mr. stranger but i felt as if words could not fix this moment, though i wanted to so badly. i did apologise sincerely, searched nearby for napkins to wipe up the mess. since we were strangers and i had obviously pissed him off i did not dare try to touch his jacket. i was stunned and could hardly speak. mostly and sincerely i was sorry this had happened, and i said so. he was deeply angry. he was steaming, his eyes and body language reeked of anger. but mostly i could tell because he completely ignored me. he did not look at me at all, nor respond to my words. he completely ignored my existence. i supposed at this moment he thought i was the scum of the earth and he treated me so. there was no communication, and i did not know what i could do to try to make it better. it occured to me later that night while still obsessed with the situation that maybe we could have traded contact information and i could have paid for the cleaning bill. i didn't know what to do.

i told m. about what had happened. i needed to talk about it. m. said 'forget him if he does not want to acknowledge your presence, then there is no opportunity for communication. what are you supposed to do then??? these things happen. life happens...'

breathe... i had to let this one go. i could not undo it no matter how sorry i was.

this reminded me of the time when audrey hepburn and carey grant met for the first time. they agreed to meet at a certain cafe in paris, it was just before they were to make the film charade together. audrey, while waiting for carey to arrive ordered a glass of red wine.

shortly after, carey arrived wearing a white suit.

well he is carey grant, and what else would you wear when meeting audrey hepburn for the first time in a paris cafe? well, she was so nervous to meet him that when she stood to greet him she tipped the glass of red wine that was on her table all over his suit. without missing a beat, he removed his jacket, folded it across the back of his chair, and continued with their meeting. grace is in abundance probably more often than we think. i would like to remember that.

speaking of grace, i sense the wintertime is giving way to springtime. this is the natural order of things, no... funny how we, or least i am reluctant to let go of summertime as autumn presents itself. but when spring is emerging i am excited and eager... spring is on the way and i must admit i am waiting with an open heart. normally i walk around the house in my socks...

for some reason i don't care for house slippers. i feel more free with nothing on my feet in the house. but baby when it's cold outside i am forced to at least where socks when i'm inside at home. i've learned to know the seasons are changing because unconsciously i'll start to walk around in my bare feet...

like i did this weekend. we had heavy rain storms and i snuggled in on friday and saturday. still i roamed around bare foot unconsciously. when i noticed and counted the days 'til spring, only 10 remain. sweet. the flowers are pushing their way up as we speak...

indeed it has been an interesting weekend. hope you and yours are well.

some pretty things...

flowers galore, can you imagine? Dali dined here often and has been quoted as saying that the owners of this restaurant on the east side of manhattan 'throw money out the window and it comes back to them through the door.' from what i read it is a space of beauty and fine french cuisine. i always like to peak now and then into the rooms of 'the haves,' just to see what they are up to. and this space looks divine. the owner is at new york's flower market every morning at 6.30 in order to purchase an abundance of flowers to adorn the family owned restaurant.

the story of how it actually began is a sentimental one. the father, as a young man worked on cruise ships as a part of the service staff in the restaurants. as he was a way from home often working, so many years ago, his wife leased a space and wrote to her husband asking for a name of the restaurant, and as a hint that he had to come home to create it. all was a complete surprise for him. but the wife simply wanted to figure out a way to have her husband home more often and near her. the son now owns and runs the restaurant. just thought it was a nice story for a pretty space that seems to be in the business of food (which i adore), beauty and quite possibly love, which inspired it all.

while on the subject of pretty things...

'when i was a young perfumer...'

not everyone can say this about themselves. nooooo, i'm not a perfumer, but there is something eccentric about it. the idea that perfumers actually exist, whose job it is to create scents. sweet! i read an article about 'la osmothèque,' a museum of perfume in france. the writer wrote...'writing formulas as composers compose symphonies,' while referring to one who creates new perfume scents. it seems as if the museum is a space to discover and rediscover scents that have seemingly disappeared. why is this interesting? i suppose it's not very, i just think that it is fascinating that there is a space dedicated to scents. it is thought of as an uber-chic intellectual sephora. a playground of perfumes, if you are into that kind of thing. i am, sometimes. not often, but sometimes...

i have a perfume that i like very much. i don't wear it often. i guess somehow subconsciously i think to save it for special occasions. it's pretty and soft. but i think the better part of me knows that every day is a special occasion. so i'm thinking i should sprinkle some on a little more often. i love it when i'm out and about and someone walks by me and they just smell divine. just a nice soft scent that inspires. i could be that girl...

yin and yang

yin and yang... a unity of opposites, dual concepts describe two primal opposing but complimentary principles... yesterday i found a quiet spot in a cafe to read a bit and write. i was glancing at a book titled 'the tao of writing.' from what i can understand from the few pages i have read so far, is that in writing, like mostly everything, it is a little easier and enjoyable if we can find a natural flow, as opposed to that which is pushed or forced. when the writer mentioned the idea of 'yin and yang' i am reminded that i have heard of this but i don't have a full understanding of this chinese philosophical notion. after reading a bit, i think i have a better understanding. and i am not sure if it is connected, but i began to think about how there can be dual happenings at the same time. for example, these winter months when all seems grey and dry and lifeless, it is hard to imagine that there are little flowers beneath the dry hard ground getting ready to spring and sprout in some weeks. spring is about 3 weeks away (21. march). so strange to think that we will be in the midst of the pinks and reds and greens of springtime soon. i try to encourage myself to imagine, and to remember that what seems positive or negative, black or white, are only perceptions. the yin and the yang co-exist, and it is challenging to say what is positive and what is negative. for example, it is when we think we are lost that we find new and interesting places that we never knew existed...

first snow fall

we are having at this moment our first real snow fall of the year. the city is always lovely when the snow is soft and new. a quietness comes, and calms the hustle and bustle that tends to be the norm. i remember when i was in my early twenties, fresh out of university, with my first apartment in park slope, i used to stock up on haagen daz butter pecan ice cream, entenmann's chocolate chip cookies, and believe it or not, my favorite meal at the time was steamed broccoli. i'd rent a few films and hole up for the weekend... these days when the snow falls i love a nice walk in central park...

angels can fly...

"angels can fly because they take themselves lightly"

i love this expression. a friend of mine invited me to a reception at his conservatory. it was a celebration for the alumni of julliard school of music. i am always impressed the few times i enter julliard just because i remember that miles davis spent some time there. to think that he and i have moved in some of the same spaces... kinda cool. when we walked into the reception hall there were more than enough tables spread full of delicious food. i love to eat. but it was a funny evening because while all the alumni were rightly excited and enthusiastic about seeing one another after who knows how many years, i was making my rounds among the food filled tables tasting this, and testing that. honestly everything was delicious, they even had frosted strawberry cake! but while there i noticed something, that is, i have never gone to any of my own university reunions (i have one coming up and i think i'll go). mostly because i have always thought that they are spaces where people return to judge one another. that may be a part of it, but really so what! it was a delight to be in a celebratory space where people were genuinely excited about seeing one another again, no matter what the other sentiments may have been, this was the prevailing one... one of sheer excitement. i thought of the angel phrase while there. don't take it all so seriously, have fun and eat cake!

just some thoughts

i been thinkin', i don't travel much but i am always dreaming of going some place. sometimes i do get to go. i think it has more to do with me being intentional about traveling as opposed to always just dreaming about it. but i been thinkin' as well, what about a journey inside? does that count? when people ask me about this past year, how it was, what did i do? the thing that most comes to mind is that it was surprisingly a quiet year. it was, i was rather quiet and reflective. it wasn't my intention, it just happened that way. after some years in madrid, i returned to new york to find that most of my friends have simply moved on. they moved out of the city, which is understandable considering the incredibly expensive rents. they have begun having children, which requires a whole other level of time and attention to the wee ones, and some, i guess were just yearning for a slower more peaceful pace. don't blame 'em. i found myself with myself. i had time to have a look at things. see where i was, where i wanted to go. see who i was, and consider who would i like to be. time to travel, or journey inside. so i haven't had the chance, yet, to drink beer in prague, enjoy sweets in paris as much as i would like to, drink wine by the french riviera, lie on the beaches of barcelona again, feast my eyes upon friends in madrid, ahhh and yes, see baby m. in copenhagen. in time i do hope for distant journeys. but a quiet year with moi, had a chance to see that there is much to discover in the quiet of one's own company. it can be a nice journey. 'wish you were here.' but it doesn't really work that way, does it?
...



last thought, at least for this writing space, for this moment, is i think, another reflection that has come out of this past year. that is the idea of loving what i do have. the buddhist teach often to be mindful of the present moment.

though all is not as i would like it to be, i too have made my wish list for 2008, at the same time i want to be mindful of the many good things in my life. while having an eye on what i still want to accomplish, i do want to be ever grateful, thoughtful and present about the people and things in my life that simply add beauty to my everyday...

christmas morning walks

woke up this morning and brushed my teeth, put on some clothes and went for a walk along the boardwalk with views of manhattan. the sky was big and blue, i thought what a nice thing on christmas day.

now i know folks like to have a white christmas, and i must admit there is something nice about seeing the cute little snow flakes falling on christmas eve. but in new york, lots of snow, and heavy snow storms are not unusual. so i know there will be plenty of time for snow with january vying for its turn in the winter months. for now, for me, it's nice that it's not too cold yet, and the sky is big and blue, with nice views.

i just thought it would be a nice way to start the day, it was. sweethearts and families and children up and out taking advantage of the morning. strangers smiling at one another, wishing merry christmas. why can't christmas be everyday?

while walking i noticed a number of folks with coffee in tow. i envy coffee drinkers, it really does seem like a pleasureable experience. coffee gives me the shakes, so i can't drink it, but for those who do, they seem to enjoy it so. such a sweet indulgence, no? a moment between you and your coffee... and new yorkers do like their coffee to go. something about it, having a boost while on the way to the next 'thing to do.' but this morning, walking along the boardwalk, there was no rush. folks were almost still, taking their time. couples holding hands, mommies and daddies pushing baby carriages, children testing out their new bicycles that 'santa' delivered only hours ago. hope all is good for you and yours this christmas.

christmas wanderings

i must confess, yesterday while doodling about the house for far too long, i talked myself into getting out and roaming around the city. i thought i would have a look at the holiday windows since they tend to be quite yummy, so good to look at. i had the idea to get myself to 5th ave, but when i did get there, just off central park, i remembered that the action of christmas is not along the park on the east side of town. in fact, it is quite quiet and elegant where the serious moneyed of new york reside. the upper east side is tranquil and posh. it was almost deserted, except for alec baldwin (i kid you not) walking along with his lady companion, i and another wanderer. after strolling along for about 20 minutes i decided to venture off the quiet and tranquil and oh so pretty residential area in search of fun christmas windows...

i found myself on madison avenue and all the shop windows were all but glowing with christmas liveliness. the shop windows are a true pleasure to see, just to savor the creativity of christmas expression.

i do hope that the joy...

of this christmas season, falls on you abundantly in the coming year...

new york wanderings

...ventured out to wander around new york city yesterday. i did one of the things i have always loved doing as a new yorker, that is, to get up and go out with absolutely no idea where i'm going or what i plan to do. i suppose the city invites this kind of behavior with so much to do and see. i thought i'd let my mood guide me about. as i was making my way through the shopping crowds on 34th street i realised that i was quite near to the new york public library on 5th avenue and 42nd street. a perfect walk on a perfect 'spring like' day although it is mid to late october. i always forget about visiting the library, it's like a museum surrounded by books. what i mean to say is, there is delicious art work; sculpture and paintings and photographs sprinkled in amongst all those books. and everyone looks so smart and studious there in the quiet with their books and laptops. it's inspiring just to want to study and do something and be really really good at it!

i then wandered up 5th avenue and stopped in St. Patrick's Cathedral. you can see here how gorgeous the cathedral is with its majestic columns and rainbow colored stain glass windows. the crowds were not free to wander as we normaly can at this moment. i wondered why, what's going on? without exageration, the main sanctuary was roped off as a bride (gorgeous dress!) was about to begin her wedding march. i sat down in another part of the church and admired all the pretty dresses, smart suits and shiny shoes. i was tempted to think about marriage and what it might mean. ...and then i thought it may be too big a subject to 'ponder' on this bright big sunfilled breezy day. ...all you need is love?...