tomorrow and tomorrow...

today is tomorrow. feeling good again... thanks for your words of wisdom and well wishes! the sun is out and about today. it reminds me of something my niece said last weekend. she was jumping around and in a moment she said, 'auntie, i can't wait until tomorrow.' and i said, 'really? what's happening tomorrow.' and she said with excitement, 'i don't know...'

don't fight the feelin'

without exaggeration i get a headache about once a year, and today is the day and it's a pretty bad one. it's all rainy and gloomy outside and i got on my christmas lights inside to cheer me up. wonder what's going on... i like very much reading eastern philosophy. i could take the time to contemplate and philosphize about why do i have a headache, why the rainfall which i normally love seems gloomy today, and why i've reached for the soothing glow of soft white christmas lights...

but naaah. i won't fight the feeling this time. i'll just let it be. i'll just be...

simple things

last year i read a book titled 'mothering without a map.' i read a review and thought that it might be helpful for me personally. the book is about women who have had painful relationships with their mothers, and how they can go on to be good mothers themselves. i wasn't thinking of becoming a mother. mostly i was thinking that perhaps the book could give me better insight into the painful relationship that i had with my mother in my wish to heal. here is a bit of what has been written about the book...

'every woman longs to be a good mother. but what about women who grew up 'undermothered' __whose own mothers were well-meaning but unavailable, absent, distracted, or depressed? how are they to become the good mothers they aspire to be?
in this beautifully articulate book, Kathryn Black offers affirming news: ...there are other paths to discovering the good mother within; here she offers real-life examples of women who have transcended the patterns set in their childhoods to lead richly satisfying lives.'

i was thinking that i could possibly transcend my painful past with my family and try as best i could to learn to love and nurture myself. this book was incredibly helpful.

i thought of this journey that i have been on to love and nuture myself because of a really simple thing that i did this morning. i went out and bought many of the things that i need 'in abundance.' you see when i was a girl much of what i needed i had to ask for. i was lucky enough that when i did ask my mom would give me the money to buy them. (dad was not around) but what i think i learned from this experience is that i waited for the need to arise before i could do something about it. but what has happened because i am learning to care for myself is that i am old enough and hopefully wise enough to anticipate what i may need and prepare for and fill that need ahead of time. you see i am learning to work more so from a place of abundance as opposed to need. and fortunately many of us are privileged enough to do this. i am simply talking about goodies like soaps, and deodorants and cremes and girl stuff in general that we should have on hand to care for ourselves. in general when i run out of something, i replace it. over the years and through the tears that i shared regarding my relationship with my parents, i never taught myself many of the basics that we do learn from our parents. i am learning now that thankfully i can do much of these sweet things for myself. i no longer have to mourn the love and nurture that i did not have. i can do the best i can to love and care for me myself.

and it is a sweet surprise to find that i am really enjoying it. now that i know that what i missed is still available... i enjoy deeply walking into a shop and choosing sweet soaps and cremes that are not only necessities but remind me that i am so deeply worthy of not only being cared for physically and emotionally, but that i myself am a big girl now with a big heart and i can share love with myself.

so often as bloggers we may wonder 'how much is too much information?' but i wanted to write about this because i had mentioned to n. once, that when i write things out i learn so much more and more profoundly. plus, i am fortunate enough that those of you who pop in on this blog have been kind and friendly. i feel grateful that i can share and grow in this space...

breaking bread

it once was said to me to be careful and intentional about who i 'break bread' with. the idea is that when we spend time with someone or someones we begin to become a part of one another. we not only share our thoughts and opinions, we share ourselves. taking on one another in mind and spirit.

these past few days i have been galavanting around the city with m. and b. from germany. though i've passed some time with them before, they for the most part are friends of a friend. i haven't really had the opportunity to spend time with them alone. when passing time exclusively it takes on a whole other level of intimacy. while meandering through the streets of manhattan we shared stories of growing up, our present day interests and concerns, some of our dreams, stories about people we love...

and i am beginning to see how over time, whether consciously or unconsciously, if we spend enough time together, we become a part of one another's lives. friends. so the thing is, if we can see clear enough, i guess that when spending time with someone, we should have a sense that it really is someone that we want to share ourselves with, and we want to be receiving of who they are as well.

i could not help but think of a. he and i had been best friends for what seems like forever and a day. joined at the hip almost. my buddy. partner in crime. when he met the lady who is now his wife, our friendship slid slowly to an end. she did not want him spending time with me, and to keep the peace and to please her i no longer see him. it has taken me a long time to get over not having him in my life (not sure if i am over it). when the years passed and i wondered why it has taken me so long to get past the whole situation, i began to realise that not only had we grown up together, we had grown into one another. i carried him, his hopes and his dreams in my heart. i'd like to think he did the same of me. he was in my system, and like it or not, just as our friendship was many years in the making, even if i wanted to, i could not just flush it or him out of my heart. it's been three years since i've seen him. it hurts a whole lot less now. and i am glad that it is taking me time to get 'over' our friendship, because if it were so easy to get over it, i would have to question whether it was genuine in the first place.

sometimes i get to missing 'breaking bread' with him. but life in it's ability to bring into play that which is new and lovely, i wonder about my friendships now and the friendships to come. missing the ones that have had their time, and loving the ones that present themselves presently... i am open and careful and intentional, as best i can. nothing and no one is perfect, but we try...

'irish i were drunk'

this weekend will be the celebration of st. patrick's day, with a parade on monday. i been told that there is no parade like it in the world. i'm tempted to believe it. a good friend of mine here from the states married an irish man. i believe he is from outside of cork. they live here now in new york with 5 children. i thought who has 5 children anymore. they do, and really they are gorgeous children. the beauty gods have been kind to them.

well, i find this funny. my friend called me up one day a bit upset. she had already handled the 'situation' but she just needed to let off some steam. one st. patrick's day weekend her husband asked her if she could drive into the city saturday night. it would be late and he wondered if she could come and pick him up.

now mind you, she would be at home with the 5 kids, not as free to hang out and party for the st. pat's weekend, and he would be out drunk with his friends...

she said to me 'he's the one out partying, why do i have to drive into the city at 3 in the morning to pick him up?' she told him 'take the subway!' (subway not metro, and runs 24 hours here in new york). my friend's husband, kevin, looked at her in all seriousness as said 'i am going to be soooo drunk, i won't even be able to make it to the subway.'

love that story, needless to say my friend did not think it was funny.

hope u have a wonderful weekend!

be kind and rewind...

i had an incident which reminded me of the first time audrey hepburn and carey grant met, though the outcome was not as lovely. yesterday while reading in a cafe i accidently spilled my beverage onto a stranger's off white suede jacket! can you believe it? it was one of those moments that seemed to happen in slow motion. i saw my drink slide off the table, suspend mid-air for a moment, before settling on said stranger's jacket before finding its way onto the floor. i wish i could take back that moment, rewind and have a different outcome. but i guess it just doesn't work that way. i jumped from my seat to apologise to mr. stranger but i felt as if words could not fix this moment, though i wanted to so badly. i did apologise sincerely, searched nearby for napkins to wipe up the mess. since we were strangers and i had obviously pissed him off i did not dare try to touch his jacket. i was stunned and could hardly speak. mostly and sincerely i was sorry this had happened, and i said so. he was deeply angry. he was steaming, his eyes and body language reeked of anger. but mostly i could tell because he completely ignored me. he did not look at me at all, nor respond to my words. he completely ignored my existence. i supposed at this moment he thought i was the scum of the earth and he treated me so. there was no communication, and i did not know what i could do to try to make it better. it occured to me later that night while still obsessed with the situation that maybe we could have traded contact information and i could have paid for the cleaning bill. i didn't know what to do.

i told m. about what had happened. i needed to talk about it. m. said 'forget him if he does not want to acknowledge your presence, then there is no opportunity for communication. what are you supposed to do then??? these things happen. life happens...'

breathe... i had to let this one go. i could not undo it no matter how sorry i was.

this reminded me of the time when audrey hepburn and carey grant met for the first time. they agreed to meet at a certain cafe in paris, it was just before they were to make the film charade together. audrey, while waiting for carey to arrive ordered a glass of red wine.

shortly after, carey arrived wearing a white suit.

well he is carey grant, and what else would you wear when meeting audrey hepburn for the first time in a paris cafe? well, she was so nervous to meet him that when she stood to greet him she tipped the glass of red wine that was on her table all over his suit. without missing a beat, he removed his jacket, folded it across the back of his chair, and continued with their meeting. grace is in abundance probably more often than we think. i would like to remember that.

speaking of grace, i sense the wintertime is giving way to springtime. this is the natural order of things, no... funny how we, or least i am reluctant to let go of summertime as autumn presents itself. but when spring is emerging i am excited and eager... spring is on the way and i must admit i am waiting with an open heart. normally i walk around the house in my socks...

for some reason i don't care for house slippers. i feel more free with nothing on my feet in the house. but baby when it's cold outside i am forced to at least where socks when i'm inside at home. i've learned to know the seasons are changing because unconsciously i'll start to walk around in my bare feet...

like i did this weekend. we had heavy rain storms and i snuggled in on friday and saturday. still i roamed around bare foot unconsciously. when i noticed and counted the days 'til spring, only 10 remain. sweet. the flowers are pushing their way up as we speak...

indeed it has been an interesting weekend. hope you and yours are well.

musings around town

i have a little secret that i have been keeping to myself, that is i have been giving private english classes. i have only kept it to myself because i was not sure how it was going to work out. but the classes continue. they take up a tiny amount of my time, just a few hours on the weekends, but they are finding a wonderful place in my heart. let me explain. i tutor privately 2 brothers ages 9 and 10. going into this gig i thought it would be a nice way to help and pick up a few extra dollars to allow me to indulge in my museum, tea, and film going fixations. and this little gig is turning out to be more than i imagined. the basics are, they are two boys who have been living in new york for 6 months. they are attending a private school and all their classes are in english. so they have to navigate learning to speak english while keeping up with their studies. can you imagine? children continue to fascinate me. they are doing it. in six months they are almost fluent. the thing is just to iron out a few kinks here and there in terms of prononciation, writing, and learning new vocabulary words. i try to help them with their confidence as well, so that they can be a bit more secure when in class and hanging out with their friends. i think because they are 'into it,' that is, they are really interested in learning, it is a really enjoyable experience for me. aside from asking them to put away the nintendo, i have no real discipline issues. oh... their sweet mom sometimes makes tea for us and brings it to the study, i do have to hide the sugar because they literally will eat sugar rocks out of the jar like it is candy. so i'll let you know as time passes of the incredibly delightful things they say and do, sometimes we are in the room just laughing as we make our way through their lessons. yesterday boy l. tied a multi colored blanket around his neck in his efforts and performance to explain to me what a 'cloak of invisibility' is as we were reading harry potter and going over new vocabulary words. can you imagine?

change...

while living in madrid, one young woman said to me something that i thought was incredibly interesting. she is from paris. it was during the last u.s. elections 3 years ago. she said 'the whole world should be able to vote for the u.s. president. it is an election that effects the entire world.' wow. an incredibly interesting point. is change on the horizon? i sincerely and deeply and profoundly hope so. can we talk about a basic decency, respect... and do we go as far as honor in u.s. relations with all people both at home and abroad. that is a change i hope to see...

saw some art this week

i wonder if i will ever be able to talk about art intelligently. mostly all i can see is what i like and what i don't like. i like the work of this artist, aaron douglas. many of his paintings are from the harlem renaissance and they are his reflections on african heritage. i tend to like the soft colours he chooses and the way they can blend into one another. in addition his paintings inspire a curiosity about a culture i know very little about. i suspect when africa is good, it is really good. one young french guy said to me that there is no better living than the living in africa. i feel confident in saying, he must mean aside from the numerous tragedies that we hear about. and even still i have heard that in the face of tragedy, that when you are there, the people have such hope and faith that it is incredibly uplifting. it definitely seems like it is something one has to be in the midst of to know. those who have, share stories of hope and inspiration. courageous i call them...

i had no idea that my transition into the next idea that i wanted to share would seem so frivolous. that is, going from ideas of art and happenings in africa to ... film. forgive me, it is not my intention to be insensitive, just sharing a series of ideas...

this film

leaves me at a loss for words. i went to see it because i been told by many folk 'it's really good but it is incredibly violent and disturbing.' i've waited to see it because i was thinking that i could do without 'incredibly violent and disturbing,' and in a way i was right. as i watched the film i thought there are plenty more pleasing doings i could be up to. with that said i was there, and i had paid my money, so let's see where this goes. the coen brothers have a way of creating the most bizarre, albeit interesting stories. the film is well done, interesting, startling, and strange. it's good but... it's a tough film to watch. javier bardem delivers another 'fine' performance. some folks think that the main character kills because he just likes it. i tend to disagree. i think the character has some twisted sense of honor and ethics. like when he breaks his arm and convinces a kid to give him his shirt for a $100. the kid at first is reluctant to take the money. bardem encourages him to take it, it's just the 'right' thing to do. the kid gave up his shirt, he should be paid for it, even if the money comes from a man all bloodied with a broken arm who will pay that much money for a shirt that could easily cost $5. but that is not the point. and i think that is the one intriguing thing about this movie. in the midst of all the drugs, killing, confusion and fear it does encourage one to ask the question, what is the point, whether in the middle of a film or in life.

curious kernels

there is a thing about me that even i myself find curious, simply because i have absolutely no idea where it may come from. that is, fine design leaves me breathless. i don't think that it is a materialistic thing because i rarely feel like i want to have or own that certain object once my eyes fall upon it. the mercedes benz has for quite sometime been one of those 'things,' i am even tempted to say a high end mercedes. i am hesitant because i know absolutely nothing about cars, i don't even know how to drive. but the ones that are sleek and elegant i suspect are quite expensive, all quiet and catlike in their existence.

i began thinking about this as i saw on television the other night a comercial for the new 'mac book air.' stunning! i could only look in disbelief. how did they do that? so slender and special, i can think of all the poems, essays and stories i can type into that little sweetie. does it come in pink? in case you haven't figured it out, pink i adore.

i also have a little thing for fine watches. don't know what it is. and i must confess 'a fine watch' is something that i would like to own someday. which reminds me of an idea i heard during an interview with the actress shari belafonte. she is an actress and model in her own right, and the daughter of the actor harry belafonte, though i haven't seen her around lately. during an interview it was suggested to her that she must of had a lot of expensive 'things' while growing up, her being the daughter of the famous and well to do harry belafonte. i remember her response although it was many years ago. it struck me as a kernel of wisdom. she said she did not have a lot of things as a child. in fact she had very few things, but the things that she did have were well made and of quality material. she had one coat, but it was a really good coat, she had one or two pairs of shoes at a time, but they were good shoes. i like very much this idea. many of us are privileged in the sense that we mostly have all we need 'materially.' i was thinkin' that i would like to make better choices with my purchases. okay i'm not going out just these moments to buy the new mac air book, nor a spanking new mercedes. but i must admit, a fine watch is on my wish list...

just some thoughts

i been thinkin', i don't travel much but i am always dreaming of going some place. sometimes i do get to go. i think it has more to do with me being intentional about traveling as opposed to always just dreaming about it. but i been thinkin' as well, what about a journey inside? does that count? when people ask me about this past year, how it was, what did i do? the thing that most comes to mind is that it was surprisingly a quiet year. it was, i was rather quiet and reflective. it wasn't my intention, it just happened that way. after some years in madrid, i returned to new york to find that most of my friends have simply moved on. they moved out of the city, which is understandable considering the incredibly expensive rents. they have begun having children, which requires a whole other level of time and attention to the wee ones, and some, i guess were just yearning for a slower more peaceful pace. don't blame 'em. i found myself with myself. i had time to have a look at things. see where i was, where i wanted to go. see who i was, and consider who would i like to be. time to travel, or journey inside. so i haven't had the chance, yet, to drink beer in prague, enjoy sweets in paris as much as i would like to, drink wine by the french riviera, lie on the beaches of barcelona again, feast my eyes upon friends in madrid, ahhh and yes, see baby m. in copenhagen. in time i do hope for distant journeys. but a quiet year with moi, had a chance to see that there is much to discover in the quiet of one's own company. it can be a nice journey. 'wish you were here.' but it doesn't really work that way, does it?
...



last thought, at least for this writing space, for this moment, is i think, another reflection that has come out of this past year. that is the idea of loving what i do have. the buddhist teach often to be mindful of the present moment.

though all is not as i would like it to be, i too have made my wish list for 2008, at the same time i want to be mindful of the many good things in my life. while having an eye on what i still want to accomplish, i do want to be ever grateful, thoughtful and present about the people and things in my life that simply add beauty to my everyday...

christmas wanderings

i must confess, yesterday while doodling about the house for far too long, i talked myself into getting out and roaming around the city. i thought i would have a look at the holiday windows since they tend to be quite yummy, so good to look at. i had the idea to get myself to 5th ave, but when i did get there, just off central park, i remembered that the action of christmas is not along the park on the east side of town. in fact, it is quite quiet and elegant where the serious moneyed of new york reside. the upper east side is tranquil and posh. it was almost deserted, except for alec baldwin (i kid you not) walking along with his lady companion, i and another wanderer. after strolling along for about 20 minutes i decided to venture off the quiet and tranquil and oh so pretty residential area in search of fun christmas windows...

i found myself on madison avenue and all the shop windows were all but glowing with christmas liveliness. the shop windows are a true pleasure to see, just to savor the creativity of christmas expression.

i do hope that the joy...

of this christmas season, falls on you abundantly in the coming year...