little girl prayers

my mom is a 'single mom.' when we were kids she worked nights, getting home around 11pm. she's retired now and i hope she is enjoying her retirement. she worked in a bank. my friends used to tease me, saying what kind of bank is open until all times of the night? i tried to explain in my little girl 'business lingo' that she worked in the part of the bank that clears checks. when people are doing their banking during the day, someone or someones have to process the bank stuff over night. my mom was the manager of this division, and to give her credit 'her employees' loved her. she was able to get the job done with a helpful and kind demeanor.

thing is, she had to return home late at night, riding the subway and walking through new york streets alone. we had to be in bed before she returned home; trained in how to prepare for school the next day, as well as be in bed by 9pm. before going to bed i used to pray and in my prayers i asked God to walk with mom and help her to get home safe. she always did.

when folks ask me if i believe in God, i'm hesitant to answer. i believe, but i'm not sure what they mean by God. i am almost always sure that we are talking about very different ways of believing. Einstein, when asked if he believes in God, answered 'depends on what you mean by God.' but that's a discussion for another time and place... but i love love love the idea of a God that listens to the prayers of little girls.

'dear God, i need help to get my hair washed and get out of my pajamas.'

'big girl prayers!' some days ago i wrote that i was blue, some days later i wrote that i went out in my pj's, there is a connection, though i had not realised it. Carl Jung shared 'she does not become enlightened by an imaginary figure of light, but by making the darkness conscious.' if we can become aware of that which makes us blue, then maybe we can be on our way again...

during one of those days, through the tears, i sat and began to count on my fingers just what was 'going right,' as opposed to focusing on what seemed to be going wrong. the blues began to lift, my little stomach bug flew away, and i just began to feel better. i read this morning that in times of despair we tend to close ourselves off. and the thing is, if we feel small, then do little small concrete and affirmative things; laundry, cleaning, writing... 'i am at the page and it's calming me. i reach for words and my reaching is a tiny prayer. God can find me here...

they say don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle...

listening this morning to the sweet voice of carla bruni... http://www.carlabruni.com/

having a nice cup of tea; as i like to start my day. writing. planning to take the little journey to visit my sister and family for thanksgiving dinner. putting up christmas lights, i know it's a bit early but i love them so, why wait. yesterday while walking by the waterfront i thought if i can walk, and i have food and a space to call home, family and friends are feeling pretty good, then things aren't as bad as i thought. still sometimes we do get down and we try to find our way back up. my little girl prayers still work. things are good again.