Wednesday, October 28, 2009

girl daydreaming

been good and thinking... what i mean to say is that things are brewing in my mind. they are a lovely mess. it's been raining for two days and the gold leaves are pressed against the sidewalks, and the rose bush captures sprinkles of rain to hold onto for it's last days... somehow still bright in it's blossoms and lushness. how's it possible that roses are still at their height of beauty in October? any one knows?
maybe you've figured it out by now, i'm truly a dreamer, i love daydreaming about stories, what has happened as well as what could be... my imaginative powers seem turned way up these days.
i think of you, i really do, many of the comments and insights you share, the beautiful stories you share about your families that warm my heart and help me along, as well as your thoughts and indulgence in pretty places and pretty things...
i'm dreamy about my future and last night i dreamed about a beautiful part of my past. it just came to me while i was sleeping. when i woke up, of course my heart was warmed, and i thought what a sweet reunion to see her again after all these years in my dreams... i'll tell you about it if you don't mind...
last night while sleeping i dreamed of Trisha. when i was a little girl, oh about 6 years old i had a friend named Patricia, and we all called her Trisha for short. she was actually my mother's friend, though she was younger than my mother by about 5 years. let's say i was 6, and my mother was 30, then Trisha must have been about 25. for some reason i took to her. i was with her when i wasn't in school or playing with my friends. she was more of a big sister to me. we would sit outside on the porch and just talk, we would spend hours just talking. i can't remember what about. i have always been told that i was a curious little girl so i imagine she spent a lot of time discussing the million things that i was interested in.
she lived on the same block as us, so i would find my way to her house, pull up a chair in her kitchen and we would chat. she had 2 boys so we would all often go to the park together, or go shopping, any number of things that she had to do as a grown-up; laundry, grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning, sitting on the porch in the sun. i loved being with Trisha. I think then, maybe she shared a friendship and kindness that I felt was missing in my own home. come to think of it, we used to laugh a lot! maybe she thought i was smart, and engaged me. and now too that i am remembering, she was a single mother, so maybe i was company for her as well. she had two boys, maybe too i was the little girl she never had. she was sweet to me and we hung out until my family moved away when i was eleven years old.
when i woke up this morning i thought, what a sweet rememberance. i thought about how much i loved her, and i still love her, she was kind to me and we had a lot of fun. i do hope she is well today...
yup, i'm all dreamy these days and it feels good...

Thursday, October 22, 2009

on space and beauty

yesterday the guggenheim museum in nyc celebrated it's 50th anniversary, and as a treat the museum was open to any and all who wish to visit and indulge free of charge. i had plans to meet p. for lunch which was, as always, rich with good conversation and opinions and ideas. we started with a nice good cup of steamy tea, (coffee for p.) in a newly discovered ice cream shop that has floor to ceiling windows that look out onto lexington ave. we sat there as the sun streamed in catching up... lunch followed and then a walk in central park. the leaves in all their plenty of colours of reds and oranges abundantly cover the walkways; an autumn wonderland.

it really was sweet after such a lovely lunch to wander through the little paths of the park as i found my way to the guggenheim museum. there they have a wonderful exhibit of the painting of wassily kandinsky.

when i enter the guggenheim, each time i am mesmerized! i once heard an architect say in an interview that a building should touch the heart of the person entering it... this one does. it moves me each time i step in. and this time every floor is lined with the art of kandinsky. it was crowded as we all wanted to take advantage of this anniversary celebration and indulge ourselves in the creations of kandinsky. it was truly mesmerizing, circling this space and feasting our eyes upon the colours and shapes and ideas and emotions shared by the painter, all culminating in a particular piece of art.

it sparked a conversation again today with a friend about the influence and emotion that a space inspires and how that contributes to what we do and feel in that space. out of that conversation came to me the understanding that although i don't have an art studio or writing room, it is necessary and important for me to be present to the space and spaces that i do inhabit and use them to my advantage since creating stories and ideas are somethings that i enjoy immensely. i think this is important, where we find ourselves, where we are, to enjoy that space and indulge in that space in ways to enrich our lives and usher in loveliness and well being.

when i ponder the creations of kandinsky as well as the creation of the guggenheim museum i can't help but think that both the painter and the architect of these beauties had a love for persons who would feast their eyes upon a painting or step into this building and be touched in a most beautiful way. this, i feel, is quite generous, thoughtful and loving.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

good(?) morning

noooooo, this is not how i feel at all! i'm feeling quite good and the weather today is incredibly beautiful. i sat outside by the river reading and enjoying the blue skys and the october breeze. there was a lady sitting near me with the cutest little dog all cosy on her lap, drifting in and out of sleep. sweet.

but i posted this picture in connection to your comments on the previous post. it seems you do know garfield! how incredibly cute. i definitely know of him but i have never read the comics. and as you know of him i thought i'd post this picture just cause it's sooooo cute and funny. ahem... i think it's safe to say we have had these kind of mornings...

thanks so much for your previous comments. it's sweet that an artist can capture such emotion in a picture like this. S. the idea of me indulging what i did as a little girl indeed is intriguing... i shall think and see what tickles my fancy. if i'm not careful it may entail me wearing my favorite outfit for a few days in a row. when i was about 6 years old i had the cutest red dress that i loved that i just wanted to wear to school everyday. i mean i loved that dress. and my mom had to help me understand that i could not wear it everyday... though i wanted to, and i tried. ...A. thanks a bunch for your message helping me to see that perhaps i redeemed myself in the eyes of the cool little 13 year old. indeed he was sweet and helpful...

hope the week is coming along nicely for all of you and that you don't feel like the picture above...

Monday, October 19, 2009


as a person without children onnnnccce in a while i get glimpses of the magic of children. i imagine that anyone who is a parent is privy to the wonderment of children on an every moment basis. and as i live in nyc, understandably, parents teach their children not to talk to strangers. indeed this is a city full of not only almost 11 million strangers, in addition, quite a number of strange folk, though not everyone of course, at the risk of exagerating.
that said, when i do have a chance to interact or spend time around children, i am always amazed at how cool and funny they can be. always, it's the very last minute and i'm out trying to find two small somethings as birthday gifts for two brothers that were born just shy of a year apart. i had the privilege of joining their family for a celebratory dinner. as i know almost nothing about the kid world, i figured i like books and books are good. and i thought i'd add a little laughter to this notion and settled upon the idea of buying the two boys comic books.
i reached the comic book section and there are lots and lots of them and i know nothing of this genre really. i'm standing there in all my adulthood ready to panic, trying to talk myself down, 'i can do this?'
this little guy walks into the aisle where i'm standing. i'm hesitant to talk to him as i know kids are not supposed to talk to strangers. i hope it's alright, i ask... 'excuse me. i need to buy some comic books for two brothers, would you have any suggestions?' my little friend looks at me in all earnestnest and asks, 'well, how old are they?' good question, i guess it does matter in the comic book world, and it's funny because i can tell by his facial expression, surety, and tone of his voice that perhaps i've stumbled upon a pro. 'ten and eleven,' i say. he takes a moment and then says, 'well, when i was young...' wrong i know but it just slipped out, i laughed and said 'when you were young?' in a tone that says 'dude you are young.' and he comes back quickly, 'i'm thirteen.' hmmm, i hear what you're saying, i think and compose myself. i say something i can't remember but it seems to remedy this awkward moment.
back at the farm (remember that expression?), back to comic books, so when he was young he read garfield. i ask, 'so you think they'll like garfield?' he reminds me, 'i did when i was ten and eleven.' good enough. and he helps me to choose which two amongst the plenitude of garfields. i'm grateful and i thank him. but i could not help but be tickled by his earnestness. he may have been thirteen, but he looked all of eleven and soooo cute. but i must remember even though he's cute, no way does he want to be treated like a kid at thirteen. i think i managed to save the moment.
back at the house during the birthday celebration i am really surprised at how crazy the boys go over their new garfield comics. i mean they really flip out. turns out they have been wanting their own garfield comics like the kids at their school, but their parents would not allow it. they find garfield too sarcastic and cynical. oops!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

persia calling

do you know people with money? i 'know' a few. there was a documentary made some years ago by one of the heirs of the johnson and johnson family about people with money. as of yet i have yet to see it. need to get on it. the part that interests me is that i believe there is this culture within people with money, that is that you don't talk about your money. so i've run into some people, and some of them became my friend, with money. and it always surprises me that some people really do have all that money.

i had a boyfriend one time, and as it has been some time now, i'm not sure how it came out that he comes from a family with a lot of money. he never said anything about it, and he certainly did not live a kind of lifestyle that would tell on him. he lived a very bohemian 'literary' kind of life. i liked him, loved him, and admired him. he taught english in public schools in louisiana. as he was from minnesota, i once asked him how did he get to louisiana. he said after graduating university he looked on the map of the states and chose the place furthest away from minnesota.

back to money. money for the most part does not interest me, but as you can guess i am always attracted to a good story which is the point of this writing. but somehow little by little i would see hints of the idea that he comes from money. so with time and confidence in mutual friends i asked a long time friend of his late one night while we were all hanging out in a bar having drinks and listening to live music. liquid courage i guess... 'does k. come from money?' she responds 'oh yes.' i ask 'what kind of money?' she said to me 'you know greenwich conneticut money?' 'yes,' i say. she says to me 'they have more.' my heart sunk, 'really?'

with time as we talked about it, he and i, he shared with me that basically he wants to 'make it on his own.' not depend on the money of his family, even though his family are some of the sweetest people i have ever met. i can respect that.

i started thinking about this for 2 reasons. one is i have a good friend who has a friend that comes from serious serious money. i was surprised to find this out, as he leads too a serious bohemian existence. simple flat full of his art and computer projects, and wears pretty much the same clothes all the time. i thought of him... and this is the point of this story... because for some reason today i was thinking that i would love to spend a few days in a place deep and rich in an unknown to me culture. i was thinking like marrakesh, or turkey, a place in india, or casablanca (only because of the film:). i would love to feast my eyes upon delicious deep and rich colours. have you seen the reds and the blues from those countries? truly touching in their richness. i would love to feast too upon the rich flavors of their cuisine. i'm not a big meat eater, but for this time a lamb cooked to tenderness in a kind of cream sauce with almonds attracts me. the spices, the incense and scents in general of the atmosphere intrigue me. and dare we even talk about the teas and coffees that come from these places. i've never been... but for some reason, today, it seems like it would be a wonderful travel to experience and see and learn...

and the friend of a friend that i mentioned comes from one of these places. and when i think of him i have to smile and think... i can't believe he has all that money. people with that kind of money keep it quiet. just an interesting thing i find.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

you wake up one morning and you never know what the day will bring. isn't that the beauty of it all? i found myself having a meal with an actress from germany. who? i've absolutely no idea. that's the beauty of it... let me explain. it's quite simple really. there's this restaurant i like to go to, it's quite cosy, small, just a few tables and one long community table where we all gather and have delicious middle eastern food. it's always fun to see what others are having, their choices. there i am munching away, sipping a bit of red wine (time in spain will do that to you) and reading 'i'll never be french.' i see from this pretty lady's map of the city and tourist guide that she is visiting the city. we get to talking about, what else? travels. a really nice and exciting conversation about the cultures of various countries, her first time visit to nyc, and too about various european cities. turns out she's here for a few days filming as she is an actress that now lives in germany. how interesting. i thought you never know who you might meet when you venture outside your door.

i'd had plans this eveningwith a friend to see the film 'an education.' it's quite good. see it if you can. at the end of my conversation with the german actress acquaintance i went off to catch this film, while she had plans to wander down 5th avenue. it would be her first time... quite special.

have you ever run into someone a bit interesting? i ran into the lead singer of r.e.m. one quiet sunday morning. i was out early, before the city awakens. i love this time. one can feel as if she has the city to herself. the streets are just about empty. i passed the lead singer of r.e.m. (can't remember his name). it was just him and me, 2 ships passing in the early morning hours. he looked at me and gave me a look and a smile that felt like a tip of the hat. i felt like he was saying although he is famous and i see him, ... he sees me too & hello. how can one get all this from a look... you know it's possible, it's a feeling.

hope you're feeling good...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

just do it

"my counsel for you is simple and straightforward: just go ahead with what you've been given... now do what you have been taught. school's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! and let your living spill over into thanksgiving. "

i can think a thing through until forever and in the end not do it. who knows why, too much information, fear, doubt...

thing is... just do it. all that we don't know and need to know will come while we are on the path. oooo there are a million things i would love to do...

walk by the sea again in barcelona

have crepes and cafe in le marais in paris

linger over a long meal with friends in spain

see the beauty of tuscany

write a book

write a book of poems

and there's more... thankfully. life is so full of possibilities and the fun thing is to dream and to step out on those dreams...

hope you have a dreamy day...

Friday, October 9, 2009

cool peace vibes!

funny how when it comes time to 'fixing things' people say about Obama, he hasn't done anything. he's been in office for dut dut dut time and he has done nothing. and now that he has won the Nobel Peace Prize folks are saying, he just got in office... he hasn't had time to do anything. why the prize?

a nice tip of the hat by the Swedes... as if to say... make some peace, we believe you can.

i'm elated, what a nice surprise.

when is now

'she was creating a goal and a direction in life...'

one family built a one room shack out of driftwood, and in front of their abode they built an enormous front porch that usually graces large homes. the porch was many times the height and width of the small shack, and people made fun and ridiculed the way this family lived. one person finally asked 'can you give me one good reason for this tiny shack to have such an outrageously large beautiful porch. and the owner replied 'a woman can dream...'
this little tale was adapted from a story i read this morning. i used to think... when...
when i have my new home
when i'm married
when i have the career i want
when... when... when...
but instead of waiting for the perfect moment or situation or feeling or slant of light as they say, i've recently been about doing the things that i want and need to do instead of waiting for 'someday.' and that has made all the difference... we continue to move in the direction of our dreams... and i find our dreams move toward us, they move in our direction to meet us where we are living...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

butterflies are free

had a bit of a gliche yesterday with the computer and i couldn't visit as i had hoped. i'm pleased to be back. nothing, nada, rien... i'm tempted to say after work i did nothing yesterday, but truth is i did simply as i wanted to do. did some reading. had a delicious dinner. and surprisingly stumbled upon this film with goldie hawn and edward albert called butterflies are free. those of you who have seen it already know how incredibly delicious and sweet this film is. and for those of us who don't/didn't know it is a wonderful film. ...oh i just love the flavor and colour of the seventies...

hope you are having a splendidly delightful day!
i'm not sure if that sentence is grammatically correct. my friend from rome coined this new term and we use it now. he asked if it is grammatically correct... i said who cares, it's wonderful. say it even if you don't mean it... it's contagious.


Wednesday, October 7, 2009

good to know

today has been an incredibly interesting day. a shift has occurred within me, quiet like, subtle, but i have felt it. and too, now that i see and i look back a bit i can see that it has been processing all along. i know now what i have been confused about (not entirely, but a bunch). i see now what was invisible before. i believe now what my heart has been hinting at. maybe you understand that things work this way... it's a process. a comingling of wondering and fretting and experiencing and asking questions and then one day like poof you know and it's a relief. confusing enough for you, or do you get me?

now the challenge is to move with this information, this knowing. to use it to my advantage and use it for beauty and contentment in my life. sorry to be so vague. it's just that much of it has been vague to me but the truth is coming out. you see when you try to take a different, more meaningful road and you find very few on that road, you begin to doubt yourself. but i am beginning to understand that just because most of the people do it does not make it the right or better way. and really that is what i am becoming to know. sure we know this in theory, but to know it really in our hearts is a sweet thing. broad is the way, but narrow is the gate... in this big city where money and material is king, it feels good to learn and to know that may be true, but love is the only thing that matters at the end of the day and at the end of all our days. love and care for one another...

why the picture of barbara streisand? i saw for the first time the other day the film funny girl. and i like the lyrics 'people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.' and as you are in love with your sweeties, your babies, your family and friends this is what matters, and the rest is gravy as they say...

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


i never was a grumpy or moody teenager, and i hear that teenagers can be. i don't know why i wasn't. today i wasn't necessarily grumpy, just not as sweet as i would like to be. i get from time to time put off by all the posing that goes on in nyc. people come here to make their dreams come true and that's a beautiful thing! but with that i so often am put off by the vanity of it all. all the cool folks in their cool shades and expensive clothes and airs about them that will remind you in case you haven't noticed how fabulous they are. i most often tend to cut 'em some slack remembering that we all are somebody's baby and special and fabulous in our own way, but today i had no patience and i did not try to pretend...

i stopped in a cafe for lunch and was really surprised by two young girls so scantily dressed had i not been so put off i would have been embarrased to look. maybe if i were in the mood and i felt like playing with my guy (in privacy) these outfits may have been sensual and cute. but since none of us were in our private budoir i was annoyed by how far people will go to get attention. these girls in this tiny little cafe were dressed in shorts that could have very easily been panties without exaggeration. suede pink boots which came up past their knees with a tiger skin print lining (i know because one girl took her boots off. i don't blame her those spike heels look like they hurt), and mid-drift blouses that showed off their tender belly buttons. gorgeous girls, but come on, another time and another place.

i would have cut them some slack with my annoyance had they at least been sweet, although misguided by their revealing outfits in the middle of the day on a monday, but they had a meanness about them. it was quite evident by their behavior and attitude.

that said, it's a free country and we can do what we want to do. i just wished that i'd had known these babes would be sucking up the air before i had ordered my lunch and realised what was going down.

when they did leave there was not only a feeling of relief inside what is normally this tiny cosy little spot, but folks felt compelled to release their frustration and talk about it. people wondered how old they might be? what kind of lives are they leading? what's up with them dressed like that in the middle of the afternoon. i mean ladies of the evening are called so for a reason, this was mid-monday if that be the case. and some said they had a meanness about them like they could bite your face off. i did not even have the stomach to look at them.

and i guess the funny part was one lady talking to her husband and those about how she did not find them attractive, that they were too revealing, and nothing was left to the imagination. her husband went on imagining what they might be up to, but by his words he was clearly attracted. attractive to some... offensive to others.

a french guy said to me once that the thing he likes about nyc is that you never really know what you will run into when you walk out your door. one is almost always up for a surprise...
image from victoria secret (i'm just saying... time and place)

Saturday, October 3, 2009

carnegie hall last night was beautiful and subtle in its own way. what i mean to say is my experience of the music was beautiful. i listened for what i like, and i loved every note. sometimes there are pieces i don't like, but this time i enjoyed every moment. while taking in the splendour of such a lovely space, i could not help but notice the little boy in front of me that had his stash of candy on the arm of his chair. he looked to be about 7 years old, so cute in his little suit, he stood on his feet for the entire 2 hours, dipping into his candy stash from time to time,while truly interested in bethoven, chopin, and debussy. precious. and i liked the couple next to me who would whisper to one another. discussing the music, the performance? i suspect they are musicians themselves as they seem to mirror, mimic, the very movement of the pianist's hands across the grand piano in one of the pieces.

i'm told it's best, if you can, to sit on the side of the stage where you can see the hands, and the movement of the pianist. this pianist was a child protege from moscow, who at the age of 35 has already been working 30 years. to be born with such a gift, and all that it must take for it to flourish and thrive. his performance was beautiful. and there's something about when a man approaches the piano, and swings back the tails of his tuxedo before sitting down to play, something about that little swift movement that i love. maybe it has to do with it being a ritual of some kind for an elite few.

it was a beautiful evening and i was quite pleased with what i wore. i dressed in a purple silk ankle length skirt with all lace at the bottom of the skirt, along with a black lace fitted jacket. i tried to loosen up the ensemble by wearing my hair in a pony tail slightly off center and a bit messy, a nod to the bohemian in me.

feel good, dear You, and have a sweet weekend. make it nice. i picked up a bunch of flowers at the farmer's market today. found my way to a cafe this evening to practice my writing while sipping hot chocolate with whip cream. nice music streaming over head. i was aware of the young lady next to me lost in the story she was reading while sipping her coffee. nice, i thought. us girls being... and enjoying ourselves.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

dressing up pretty

when i was a girl for no reason at all my mom would dress us up all fancy for the day from time to time. she said so that when a fancy occasion came along being dressed up wouldn't feel so strange...

how does one get to carnegie hall? (hee hee) practice, practice, practice.
there's a feeling i get when i go to carnegie hall. i try to set out early, give myself some time to get lost as well as wander around the central park area. as the hall is on the west side of manhattan, i like to set out on the east side where all the super chic and elegant and expensive shops and restaurants are... gourmet food shops, wine stores elegantly assembled, fashion wonders like ralph lauren's boutique which is always so deeply and richly decorated it always looks like christmas in there for me. i wander around the upper east side looking and tasting and feeling for a while before walking over to carnegie hall.
i've a friend from rome who lives in nyc. he's a classical pianist and invites me to these fancy soirees. tonight i understand is the opening of 'je ne sais quoi,' but apparently it's a big deal. i used to say to him that i know nothing about classical music. he tells me i know more than i think i know. he says to simply listen for what i like.
i do wonder what i will wear. i think i might feel a bit strange because i haven't gotten all fancily dressed up in a while. but that's ok. i'll just be and enjoy. if i can i'll try to tell you what i see and hear when i get back... that's the job of a writer right? to bring to life in words so that the reader can see and hear, kind of be there for herself.
i'll do my best.