simple things

last year i read a book titled 'mothering without a map.' i read a review and thought that it might be helpful for me personally. the book is about women who have had painful relationships with their mothers, and how they can go on to be good mothers themselves. i wasn't thinking of becoming a mother. mostly i was thinking that perhaps the book could give me better insight into the painful relationship that i had with my mother in my wish to heal. here is a bit of what has been written about the book...

'every woman longs to be a good mother. but what about women who grew up 'undermothered' __whose own mothers were well-meaning but unavailable, absent, distracted, or depressed? how are they to become the good mothers they aspire to be?
in this beautifully articulate book, Kathryn Black offers affirming news: ...there are other paths to discovering the good mother within; here she offers real-life examples of women who have transcended the patterns set in their childhoods to lead richly satisfying lives.'

i was thinking that i could possibly transcend my painful past with my family and try as best i could to learn to love and nurture myself. this book was incredibly helpful.

i thought of this journey that i have been on to love and nuture myself because of a really simple thing that i did this morning. i went out and bought many of the things that i need 'in abundance.' you see when i was a girl much of what i needed i had to ask for. i was lucky enough that when i did ask my mom would give me the money to buy them. (dad was not around) but what i think i learned from this experience is that i waited for the need to arise before i could do something about it. but what has happened because i am learning to care for myself is that i am old enough and hopefully wise enough to anticipate what i may need and prepare for and fill that need ahead of time. you see i am learning to work more so from a place of abundance as opposed to need. and fortunately many of us are privileged enough to do this. i am simply talking about goodies like soaps, and deodorants and cremes and girl stuff in general that we should have on hand to care for ourselves. in general when i run out of something, i replace it. over the years and through the tears that i shared regarding my relationship with my parents, i never taught myself many of the basics that we do learn from our parents. i am learning now that thankfully i can do much of these sweet things for myself. i no longer have to mourn the love and nurture that i did not have. i can do the best i can to love and care for me myself.

and it is a sweet surprise to find that i am really enjoying it. now that i know that what i missed is still available... i enjoy deeply walking into a shop and choosing sweet soaps and cremes that are not only necessities but remind me that i am so deeply worthy of not only being cared for physically and emotionally, but that i myself am a big girl now with a big heart and i can share love with myself.

so often as bloggers we may wonder 'how much is too much information?' but i wanted to write about this because i had mentioned to n. once, that when i write things out i learn so much more and more profoundly. plus, i am fortunate enough that those of you who pop in on this blog have been kind and friendly. i feel grateful that i can share and grow in this space...