heart songs

the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart. ~helen keller

simple things

last year i read a book titled 'mothering without a map.' i read a review and thought that it might be helpful for me personally. the book is about women who have had painful relationships with their mothers, and how they can go on to be good mothers themselves. i wasn't thinking of becoming a mother. mostly i was thinking that perhaps the book could give me better insight into the painful relationship that i had with my mother in my wish to heal. here is a bit of what has been written about the book...

'every woman longs to be a good mother. but what about women who grew up 'undermothered' __whose own mothers were well-meaning but unavailable, absent, distracted, or depressed? how are they to become the good mothers they aspire to be?
in this beautifully articulate book, Kathryn Black offers affirming news: ...there are other paths to discovering the good mother within; here she offers real-life examples of women who have transcended the patterns set in their childhoods to lead richly satisfying lives.'

i was thinking that i could possibly transcend my painful past with my family and try as best i could to learn to love and nurture myself. this book was incredibly helpful.

i thought of this journey that i have been on to love and nuture myself because of a really simple thing that i did this morning. i went out and bought many of the things that i need 'in abundance.' you see when i was a girl much of what i needed i had to ask for. i was lucky enough that when i did ask my mom would give me the money to buy them. (dad was not around) but what i think i learned from this experience is that i waited for the need to arise before i could do something about it. but what has happened because i am learning to care for myself is that i am old enough and hopefully wise enough to anticipate what i may need and prepare for and fill that need ahead of time. you see i am learning to work more so from a place of abundance as opposed to need. and fortunately many of us are privileged enough to do this. i am simply talking about goodies like soaps, and deodorants and cremes and girl stuff in general that we should have on hand to care for ourselves. in general when i run out of something, i replace it. over the years and through the tears that i shared regarding my relationship with my parents, i never taught myself many of the basics that we do learn from our parents. i am learning now that thankfully i can do much of these sweet things for myself. i no longer have to mourn the love and nurture that i did not have. i can do the best i can to love and care for me myself.

and it is a sweet surprise to find that i am really enjoying it. now that i know that what i missed is still available... i enjoy deeply walking into a shop and choosing sweet soaps and cremes that are not only necessities but remind me that i am so deeply worthy of not only being cared for physically and emotionally, but that i myself am a big girl now with a big heart and i can share love with myself.

so often as bloggers we may wonder 'how much is too much information?' but i wanted to write about this because i had mentioned to n. once, that when i write things out i learn so much more and more profoundly. plus, i am fortunate enough that those of you who pop in on this blog have been kind and friendly. i feel grateful that i can share and grow in this space...

something for the heart

the other day i ran into s. a friend of mine who i had not seen in a while. he suggested we go for a walk. oh we like to talk about the arts, travel, our hopes and desires... we walk slowly, enjoying one another's presence and eager to ponder one another's opinions and ideas. while walking on that pretty day there was a moment where i realised within me, that to have friends to walk through life with is a special treat!

a friend is someone who reaches out for your hand... and touches your heart.

~unknown

city life!

how was your winter?

the sun is high in the sky today. while out walking i noticed how much we all need a bit of sunshine and warm weather. today is beautiful! people are out and about smiling and enjoying the day. it could just be me, but i sense a bit of relief in the air. i'm thinking that we've been closed indoors and closed in on ourselves this past winter and it just feels good to sit in the sun. to be outside, maybe out of our heads, away from our jobs and responsibilities for a moment is refreshing.

april can be tricky, weather wise. it could rain at any moment. but rumour has it that the sunshine and warmth should be with us for a minute and it just looks like we all need it.

there is a relief from the cold wintry snowy days that are slowly becoming the recent past.

today i'll pack a 'little lunch' and have a picnic in central park.

i hope you and yours are well...

breaking bread

it once was said to me to be careful and intentional about who i 'break bread' with. the idea is that when we spend time with someone or someones we begin to become a part of one another. we not only share our thoughts and opinions, we share ourselves. taking on one another in mind and spirit.

these past few days i have been galavanting around the city with m. and b. from germany. though i've passed some time with them before, they for the most part are friends of a friend. i haven't really had the opportunity to spend time with them alone. when passing time exclusively it takes on a whole other level of intimacy. while meandering through the streets of manhattan we shared stories of growing up, our present day interests and concerns, some of our dreams, stories about people we love...

and i am beginning to see how over time, whether consciously or unconsciously, if we spend enough time together, we become a part of one another's lives. friends. so the thing is, if we can see clear enough, i guess that when spending time with someone, we should have a sense that it really is someone that we want to share ourselves with, and we want to be receiving of who they are as well.

i could not help but think of a. he and i had been best friends for what seems like forever and a day. joined at the hip almost. my buddy. partner in crime. when he met the lady who is now his wife, our friendship slid slowly to an end. she did not want him spending time with me, and to keep the peace and to please her i no longer see him. it has taken me a long time to get over not having him in my life (not sure if i am over it). when the years passed and i wondered why it has taken me so long to get past the whole situation, i began to realise that not only had we grown up together, we had grown into one another. i carried him, his hopes and his dreams in my heart. i'd like to think he did the same of me. he was in my system, and like it or not, just as our friendship was many years in the making, even if i wanted to, i could not just flush it or him out of my heart. it's been three years since i've seen him. it hurts a whole lot less now. and i am glad that it is taking me time to get 'over' our friendship, because if it were so easy to get over it, i would have to question whether it was genuine in the first place.

sometimes i get to missing 'breaking bread' with him. but life in it's ability to bring into play that which is new and lovely, i wonder about my friendships now and the friendships to come. missing the ones that have had their time, and loving the ones that present themselves presently... i am open and careful and intentional, as best i can. nothing and no one is perfect, but we try...

wrote a little poem this mornin'

your showing up was

perfect
you had no reason to be nervous

though to be nervous is normal

and human

you are perfectly

you

~audrey