nice little things

i sat down to read a little and study some french. the sunlight coming in the window found me there. this leap year in february, any plans for the extra day...

hard candy

they have this thing here in the states when talking about films that i think is funny. the idea is 'see it' if it is good, and 'skip it' if it is bad. and of course there is always, 'wait for the dvd.' i promise i am not turning this into a film review space, it's just that i like stories, films, books, plays, you get the point... a short while ago i mentioned to j. that i was going out to see the film juno. i wasn't so sure about the idea of the film, it had not won my confidence, but the actress won my confidence when i saw her in a film called hard candy.

ellen page i think is brilliant. she reminds me very much, although strange to say, of a combination of jodie foster and natalie portman. she has that petite feline physical quality of natalie portman and the spunk and talent of jodie foster. no slight on natalie portman, given the right choices and good venue she can be brilliant. did you see her in 'beautiful girls,' or more recently in 'the darjeeling' limited... good stuff. but to share a few words about the two films hard candy and juno. hard candy will disrupt your breathing. it is a brilliant tough film. watch it with someone if you can... but it is worth seeing. i haven't mentioned the film juno here because it is this little interesting and smart film. i liked it very much but i did not think that it would appeal to 'a wide audience.' but i was wrong, lots of oscar buzz. good. see it if you can, it's smart and quirky just to warn you. oh, and lots of fun.

this? well, while i was searching for an image of the 'hard candy' film, this came up. que mono! too cute to not show you...

curious kernels

there is a thing about me that even i myself find curious, simply because i have absolutely no idea where it may come from. that is, fine design leaves me breathless. i don't think that it is a materialistic thing because i rarely feel like i want to have or own that certain object once my eyes fall upon it. the mercedes benz has for quite sometime been one of those 'things,' i am even tempted to say a high end mercedes. i am hesitant because i know absolutely nothing about cars, i don't even know how to drive. but the ones that are sleek and elegant i suspect are quite expensive, all quiet and catlike in their existence.

i began thinking about this as i saw on television the other night a comercial for the new 'mac book air.' stunning! i could only look in disbelief. how did they do that? so slender and special, i can think of all the poems, essays and stories i can type into that little sweetie. does it come in pink? in case you haven't figured it out, pink i adore.

i also have a little thing for fine watches. don't know what it is. and i must confess 'a fine watch' is something that i would like to own someday. which reminds me of an idea i heard during an interview with the actress shari belafonte. she is an actress and model in her own right, and the daughter of the actor harry belafonte, though i haven't seen her around lately. during an interview it was suggested to her that she must of had a lot of expensive 'things' while growing up, her being the daughter of the famous and well to do harry belafonte. i remember her response although it was many years ago. it struck me as a kernel of wisdom. she said she did not have a lot of things as a child. in fact she had very few things, but the things that she did have were well made and of quality material. she had one coat, but it was a really good coat, she had one or two pairs of shoes at a time, but they were good shoes. i like very much this idea. many of us are privileged in the sense that we mostly have all we need 'materially.' i was thinkin' that i would like to make better choices with my purchases. okay i'm not going out just these moments to buy the new mac air book, nor a spanking new mercedes. but i must admit, a fine watch is on my wish list...

heath ledger

... i just appreciate when people try to be decent and live a meaningful life. the few words i've heard heath ledger share made sense to me. he said his mother and father simply loved him. they gave him a lot of love, and with that confidence. from that i gathered... one can go out and do a thing in a meaningful way.

r. in peace...

angels can fly...

"angels can fly because they take themselves lightly"

i love this expression. a friend of mine invited me to a reception at his conservatory. it was a celebration for the alumni of julliard school of music. i am always impressed the few times i enter julliard just because i remember that miles davis spent some time there. to think that he and i have moved in some of the same spaces... kinda cool. when we walked into the reception hall there were more than enough tables spread full of delicious food. i love to eat. but it was a funny evening because while all the alumni were rightly excited and enthusiastic about seeing one another after who knows how many years, i was making my rounds among the food filled tables tasting this, and testing that. honestly everything was delicious, they even had frosted strawberry cake! but while there i noticed something, that is, i have never gone to any of my own university reunions (i have one coming up and i think i'll go). mostly because i have always thought that they are spaces where people return to judge one another. that may be a part of it, but really so what! it was a delight to be in a celebratory space where people were genuinely excited about seeing one another again, no matter what the other sentiments may have been, this was the prevailing one... one of sheer excitement. i thought of the angel phrase while there. don't take it all so seriously, have fun and eat cake!

new moments

good question

lady n. asked me a good question. i hope it is okay to say some things here regarding my thought process. though i can't remember her words exactly, she asked if i was sad, melancholic? hmmm. i had to think about it. i know that i had been sad. i was hoping and trying to look on the bright side of things, but if i think about it, i think so. there are a number of reasons why i have been sad. i'll spare you the details. but something important came out of my thinking about her question. and i will try to explain with a little story. my brother called and left a message for me. i haven't spoken to my brother in about 7 years. he is mean and nasty, and the last time i spoke with him i realised that i did not have to accept his nastiness even though he is my brother. so i made a conscious attempt to ensure that our paths did not cross. time flies! well when i heard his message, although it was not hostile, as he can be, it was cold and unfriendly. i thought about it. i wonder if i should call. and i realise something. i know that he has not changed, that he is his same mean self. knowing this, i have no interest or desire to be 'in touch' with him again. that would mean being in the midst of the hurt he dispenses. these choices are difficult and painful, and it has been these kinds of choices that brings sadness for me. so when thinking about lady n's question i can see that there is a sadness about me these days. and surprisingly i can understand even more so that, although there are some choices to be made that are painful, it is my true desire that these choices will create a vast amount of space to be filled by joy. it may not be today or tomorrow that i am overwhelmed with joy and contentment, but i am hoping that it will come.

with that said, i have probably written too much about choices, and life, solitude and a pilgrims journey inside... with these themes in my life i am not surprised that i was attracted to choose this film called 'le samourai.'

i am almost sure that folks who are in the know about quality film making know about this film. i am not one of those persons, i was just lucky enough to be attracted to the description and it turns out that it leaves you breathless. the incredibly calculated, thoughtful, silent pace of this film can make you feel as if you have only been playing 'movie going' all this time, and this is what it is to watch a film, or to witness a story meticulously thought out and relayed on film.

but with all that has been written here in this moment in time about tough choices, solitude and all that is entailed in being thoughtful, lady n. you are particularly on point when you share that after all that is positive about being quiet and thoughtful, and indeed there are many positives, at some point it is an incredibly good thing to come out of the quiet and solitude and resume life in all its splendour. granted that may look like many things, as long as living fully and out loud is resumed. when i smile and when i laugh i feel it deeply, and i think it is because the joy that comes to me these days is a genuine joy and there is lots of space for it to fill me, since i have chipped away the sad stuff. now there is more room for the good stuff.

in case of emergency

whenever i have to go to the doctor's i am always afraid. a friend once said that is because we almost never go to the doctor when all is well, there is no need to. but when not feeling well, under these circumstances we are vulnerable. we want to feel better, we want to feel well again. and don't give me no bad news!

while at the doctors, filling out forms, the assistant asked me who to contact in case of emergency. though i try to recognise the positives about the family i was born into, for me it has been a source of pain. so i tend to cling to my friends, they are my 'family.' but especially m. so when i am asked who to contact 'in case of emergency' i am reminded of how fortunate i am, we all are, to have in our lives someone who genuinely cares.

the doctor thinks my little aches and pains are connected to 'stress.' i hope so, and of course i hope the stress and aches and pains will pass, the sooner the better...

while exiting the medical facilities, i glanced at a pretty sign hanging over the receptionists desk. it read 'may all your dreams come true. work hard. and be kind.' ...nice.

sweeney todd

i want to say skip it, but it got great reviews. visually, good looking on screen 'minus the gore,' and there is lots of it. maybe that's it, if you can get into the gore, then maybe it is a delight. in general i am a fan of tim burton, depp always delicious, but this one did not do it for me. however, critics are calling it a masterpiece 'if seriel murder is your cup of tea.'

cate blanchett as dylan... cool idea

imagine a sound track of our lives... what would yours sound like? that could be a fascinating endeavor, to set to music some of the experiences that we have had in our lives. 'i'm not there' is a film about the life of bob dylan, and cate blanchett ( i adore her creativity and performances) plays a 'chapter' in his life. the musical score of the movie is brilliant, it's dylan. and if you like dylan then you will love being swooned as the stories of his lives unfolds before you. in all honesty, at least for me, i think i am more in love with the idea of this film, as well as the way it looks on screen. somehow the 'story' itself did not capture me. but the music and the visual of different, all interesting, actors playing a part of a persons lifestory is a fascinating idea. and i am captured by the thought of thinking about what songs would express different times, seasons, aspects of our lives.

for this time of your life what would be a good soundtrack?

now playing on my music box is feist. she sings...

take it slow

take it easy on me

shed some light

shed some light on me please

...some sounds of my moments just for today...

just some thoughts

i been thinkin', i don't travel much but i am always dreaming of going some place. sometimes i do get to go. i think it has more to do with me being intentional about traveling as opposed to always just dreaming about it. but i been thinkin' as well, what about a journey inside? does that count? when people ask me about this past year, how it was, what did i do? the thing that most comes to mind is that it was surprisingly a quiet year. it was, i was rather quiet and reflective. it wasn't my intention, it just happened that way. after some years in madrid, i returned to new york to find that most of my friends have simply moved on. they moved out of the city, which is understandable considering the incredibly expensive rents. they have begun having children, which requires a whole other level of time and attention to the wee ones, and some, i guess were just yearning for a slower more peaceful pace. don't blame 'em. i found myself with myself. i had time to have a look at things. see where i was, where i wanted to go. see who i was, and consider who would i like to be. time to travel, or journey inside. so i haven't had the chance, yet, to drink beer in prague, enjoy sweets in paris as much as i would like to, drink wine by the french riviera, lie on the beaches of barcelona again, feast my eyes upon friends in madrid, ahhh and yes, see baby m. in copenhagen. in time i do hope for distant journeys. but a quiet year with moi, had a chance to see that there is much to discover in the quiet of one's own company. it can be a nice journey. 'wish you were here.' but it doesn't really work that way, does it?
...



last thought, at least for this writing space, for this moment, is i think, another reflection that has come out of this past year. that is the idea of loving what i do have. the buddhist teach often to be mindful of the present moment.

though all is not as i would like it to be, i too have made my wish list for 2008, at the same time i want to be mindful of the many good things in my life. while having an eye on what i still want to accomplish, i do want to be ever grateful, thoughtful and present about the people and things in my life that simply add beauty to my everyday...

dreaming of puebla, mexico

there is a tinnnny little restaurant that i like to go to for 'mexican food.' i imagine that it is just really good food cooked by a family from mexico that fits the palate of americans, still the food is made with care and it is delicious. i go often enough so that i now have little conversations with the owners which are a family of 5 brothers and 1 sister that alternate their work days. of the six there is only one woman. initially she was shy and withdrawn, which i can appreciate. we must earn one another's trust. i stopped in today for my usual rice and bean burrito, and the 'shy one' was beside herself. half of her brothers have returned home to puebla mexico for vacation, and the other two who are supposed to help her in the restaurant, are down with the flu. she is running the restaurant alone, doing all the food preparation, the cooking and the cleaning. can you imagine? granted the tiny space only holds about 6 to 8 persons at a time, but since the food is delicious, there is always a constant flow. her usually quiet and calm demeanor has been put aside these days for a more stressful one. it's normal. i walked in the door and the words just spilled out of her mouth about how she is there alone, working from 8 in the morning until 10 at night. 'yo sola!'

i listened. i tried to empathize. i tried to offer words of assurance and comfort, 'you will get through this.' she even smiled when i said that she must take care not to get too stressed so that she gets sick. i said that she has to imagine being at home in her town of puebla, mexico. imagine the sun and the warmth. 'smiling is good.'

my first thought was 'why don't they just close for a couple of days?' but then here in new york 'the show must go on.' for some reason work very often is the call of the day, plus, the rent has to be paid. one friend once mentioned that it is amazing that you can come from a little town in mexico, and make it to open and own your own restaurant in new york. i thought, true. but there is a price for dreaming the american dream. i prefer a nice glass of wine with friends while sitting outside of some terrace of some european city. ahhh... the dream life of angels.

what seems right, is not always easy...

i would like to think that i have learned many things this year, but there is one thought that weighs heavily on my mind/heart these hours before the new year. that is the idea of 'other people's agenda.' i have become painfully aware of what other people believe, i will make this personal, i should be doing with my life. in general there can be many folks who simply have expectations of me. granted in relationships there are expectations, that's just the way it is. but i am thinking of, in these moments, is people who don't see me, they only see me for what they want me to be, and what they want from me. this could work, if their idea of me and my life is in tune with my own ideas. you see the problem has been, due to a lack of inner strength, and simply just not knowing myself, what i want and need, i have been unconsciously trying to please other people. i imagine for many reasons; because i care about them, because i trust their judgements, because i don't want to 'rock the boat.' but this year has opened my eyes. i have begun to realise that it is me who must define myself and how i want to live my life. i have come to this realisation simply by having a long look at my life and seeing that it did not look the way i wanted it to look. and the seemingly difficult truth is we will all have to die someday. as we celebrate another new year, though it is a blessing, we hardly remember that the amount of new year's that we will celebrate are numbered. it is just that we don't know what that number is. so as i look around and inside i have to ask myself who's life am i living. and when it is over will my life look anything like what i would like for it to look like? with this in mind, and with all the love i can muster, i have begun to try to shape my days as i would like them to be like. and it is funny when i no longer do the things i don't want to do how people are mad with me, and i feel their judgements. and it is painfully hard not to follow the masses. but i hope to be on my way to a life that will be pleasing to me when all is said and done. not that it has to be perfect, just that it has to look like i tried. and of course with the new year we have our hopes and wishes. this is beautiful, to be here today with the possibility and opportunity for dreams to come true, yet another year. and as i try to plant my own garden, i do hope to share it with people that i love dearly. so if anyone gets pissed at me because i did not do what they wanted me to do, simply because i want to move to the rhythm of my own heart, i do hope that some understanding and knowing will be reached and we can stay connected. that you may know that as you get to move to your own rhythm, i too have that right. hope we can find a way to connect in our individuality. and as time draws near, it is a gift to be able to leave these words and my frustrations in this space, and not carry them into the new year. i leave them...here.