Tuesday, January 1, 2008

what seems right, is not always easy...



i would like to think that i have learned many things this year, but there is one thought that weighs heavily on my mind/heart these hours before the new year. that is the idea of 'other people's agenda.' i have become painfully aware of what other people believe, i will make this personal, i should be doing with my life. in general there can be many folks who simply have expectations of me. granted in relationships there are expectations, that's just the way it is. but i am thinking of, in these moments, is people who don't see me, they only see me for what they want me to be, and what they want from me. this could work, if their idea of me and my life is in tune with my own ideas. you see the problem has been, due to a lack of inner strength, and simply just not knowing myself, what i want and need, i have been unconsciously trying to please other people. i imagine for many reasons; because i care about them, because i trust their judgements, because i don't want to 'rock the boat.' but this year has opened my eyes. i have begun to realise that it is me who must define myself and how i want to live my life. i have come to this realisation simply by having a long look at my life and seeing that it did not look the way i wanted it to look. and the seemingly difficult truth is we will all have to die someday. as we celebrate another new year, though it is a blessing, we hardly remember that the amount of new year's that we will celebrate are numbered. it is just that we don't know what that number is. so as i look around and inside i have to ask myself who's life am i living. and when it is over will my life look anything like what i would like for it to look like? with this in mind, and with all the love i can muster, i have begun to try to shape my days as i would like them to be like. and it is funny when i no longer do the things i don't want to do how people are mad with me, and i feel their judgements. and it is painfully hard not to follow the masses. but i hope to be on my way to a life that will be pleasing to me when all is said and done. not that it has to be perfect, just that it has to look like i tried. and of course with the new year we have our hopes and wishes. this is beautiful, to be here today with the possibility and opportunity for dreams to come true, yet another year. and as i try to plant my own garden, i do hope to share it with people that i love dearly. so if anyone gets pissed at me because i did not do what they wanted me to do, simply because i want to move to the rhythm of my own heart, i do hope that some understanding and knowing will be reached and we can stay connected. that you may know that as you get to move to your own rhythm, i too have that right. hope we can find a way to connect in our individuality. and as time draws near, it is a gift to be able to leave these words and my frustrations in this space, and not carry them into the new year. i leave them...here.

9 comments:

Jorge said...

>so if anyone gets pissed at me because i did not do what they wanted me to do,

i hope it's not about me! ;-)

congratulations for your clear(er) thoughts for 2008!

Destination Metz said...

Hopefully this will give you the motivation you need, this sounds exactly like something you need to hear: Ken Nordine's "You're Getting Better". You can hear it on youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoHmVEvGMaw
The video someone has made isn't great but it's the track that's fantastic.

New Year always brings about these feelings for me as well, it can be really scary actually, it brings about a lot of self confrontation and freaks me out because I feel like so often I'm treading water and not living up to my potential or what I want in life.

Good luck, I hope we can both make the best of 2008 and break our bad habits!

l'air de temps said...

hi Jorge, it's nice that you hear my rants and ravings. just feels better to be understood. we've had many discussions about 'a life with meaning.' you set a good example in my opinion. i hope you were able to eat all the little grapes before midnight (smile). feliz ano nuevo!

hey destination metz, thanks so much for the video/music inspiration. i need it. i will check it out now. it's true, these days we kind of have a closer look at ourselves and our lives, and we try for better. i'm wishing you all good things for this new year.

nuriiii said...

Solamente uno mismo puede encontrar el camino, aunque las circunstancias y las personas de tu alrededor ayudan. Cuando, al fin, encuentras tu camino sientes que recorrerlo ha valido la pena.

I hope you go on with our Spanish rite at New Year's Eve (I mean, the twelve greaps). Don't forget it and you'll be a very special and fortunate person in US.

nuria

nuriiii said...

Perdona Jorge por plagiarte pero me apetece poner en estas líneas un poema tuyo:

"Revelación"
Al final todo tiene sentido.

Los dioses únicos.
El signo Escorpión, o Caballo de Fuego.
Nuestra bandera. Cada nuevo gol.

Procrear y multiplicarse y labrar la tierra.
Practicar el volapuk, el carnaval, el kamasutra.
Escudriñar partículas.

Incluso, tal vez, la destrucción
intencional, sin mesura.

Al final todo tiene sentido.

--
So, don't forget... everything has sense...let's go to optimi(st)ze our lives... :)

Jorge said...

hola, nuria

no es un plagio, es una cita, y me alegra mucho. ¡por lo menos hay una persona en este mundo que lee mis poemas y no soy yo!

¿cuándo empiezas tu blog?

besos,

nuriiii said...

Cuando publicas (en la red, en una revista, en un libro, en una pared, en cualquier medio en suma), siempre hay alguien por ahí que lo lee, aunque tú ni lo sospeches. Tus poemas son leídos Jorge, ni lo dudes (incluidos subrayados, comentados, y alguno que otro denostado también).

Me tienta la idea del blog pero no tengo mucho tiempo y sé que gastaría demasiado esfuerzo mental pensando en mi próxima entrada. Si os soy sincera (cosa que siempre cuesta mucho) hacer un blog siempre es exponerse, mojarse, mostrar tus sentimientos, ideas u opiniones. Eso siempre es arriesgado... Detrás de la barrera se está tan a gustito :)

Sólo me he atrevido a poner algunas fotos en facebook (usuario Nuria Cano) pero no tiene nada que ver. Aunque... quién sabe... algún día quizá me anime, igual que se animó nuestra querida amiga L'air du temps, destination metz (me temo que no entiende castellano) o tú mismo.

Besos,

nuria

l'air de temps said...

i love love love that you all are having a conversation in this space. it is like the door has been opened and friends have stopped in to share thoughts and ideas and suggestions. this is my dream. (hope i'm not too sentimental, but it's how um feelin')

nuriiii said...

You're not TOO sentimental. You're just sentimental and that's a wonderful gift. I'm not interested in cold and non-sentimental people.

Besos!
n.