good question

lady n. asked me a good question. i hope it is okay to say some things here regarding my thought process. though i can't remember her words exactly, she asked if i was sad, melancholic? hmmm. i had to think about it. i know that i had been sad. i was hoping and trying to look on the bright side of things, but if i think about it, i think so. there are a number of reasons why i have been sad. i'll spare you the details. but something important came out of my thinking about her question. and i will try to explain with a little story. my brother called and left a message for me. i haven't spoken to my brother in about 7 years. he is mean and nasty, and the last time i spoke with him i realised that i did not have to accept his nastiness even though he is my brother. so i made a conscious attempt to ensure that our paths did not cross. time flies! well when i heard his message, although it was not hostile, as he can be, it was cold and unfriendly. i thought about it. i wonder if i should call. and i realise something. i know that he has not changed, that he is his same mean self. knowing this, i have no interest or desire to be 'in touch' with him again. that would mean being in the midst of the hurt he dispenses. these choices are difficult and painful, and it has been these kinds of choices that brings sadness for me. so when thinking about lady n's question i can see that there is a sadness about me these days. and surprisingly i can understand even more so that, although there are some choices to be made that are painful, it is my true desire that these choices will create a vast amount of space to be filled by joy. it may not be today or tomorrow that i am overwhelmed with joy and contentment, but i am hoping that it will come.

with that said, i have probably written too much about choices, and life, solitude and a pilgrims journey inside... with these themes in my life i am not surprised that i was attracted to choose this film called 'le samourai.'

i am almost sure that folks who are in the know about quality film making know about this film. i am not one of those persons, i was just lucky enough to be attracted to the description and it turns out that it leaves you breathless. the incredibly calculated, thoughtful, silent pace of this film can make you feel as if you have only been playing 'movie going' all this time, and this is what it is to watch a film, or to witness a story meticulously thought out and relayed on film.

but with all that has been written here in this moment in time about tough choices, solitude and all that is entailed in being thoughtful, lady n. you are particularly on point when you share that after all that is positive about being quiet and thoughtful, and indeed there are many positives, at some point it is an incredibly good thing to come out of the quiet and solitude and resume life in all its splendour. granted that may look like many things, as long as living fully and out loud is resumed. when i smile and when i laugh i feel it deeply, and i think it is because the joy that comes to me these days is a genuine joy and there is lots of space for it to fill me, since i have chipped away the sad stuff. now there is more room for the good stuff.