birthday girl

today is my birthday. i'm trying to get out of the house, but there is much that keeps me here. good music, beautiful beautiful birthday messages. and life really is quite gorgeous and funny, i've gotten really beautiful messages from people, friends, who had not even made the connection that it is my birthday. messages from friends 'just' keeping in touch and sending sweet thoughts. i feel good. and for some reason, i woke up with the sounds of janet jackson in my head. she has a song about moving around the world that i love, 'walking in the rain in spain, and springtime in paris sounds good to me.' these really are a part of the lyrics, you'd think i made them up. to my delight and surprise, there is a video for it. i love it. if you love travel, check this one out. it really is fun! if i had my way... hmmm, walking by the sea in barceloneta with Hans, dinner beneath the eiffel tower with Susu, wandering through the guggenheim in bilbao with Nuria and Ulises, and a generous tea and coffee meeting with belle Belette, as we both love travel, oh where shall that be... . 'i'm just saying!' have a wonderful day dear friends, dreaming of you, i walk with you in my heart and mind.

oh... here's the video... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BTjbjU6FXA

smuaaaccck!

rescue me

just finished reading 'twilight' the novel. i liked it a lot. to be honest i don't want to think about it too much, then i'd have to figure out a way to justify my enjoyment of these 'vampire chronicles.' just an enjoyable read. i realised something about myself along this read. but just to go back a minute, when i was a little girl i used to sit and watch casablanca over and over with my aunt. we would have detailed discussions about the fashion. you can imagine there was much to talk about. i always remember a scene in the film when ingrid bergman lays her head on humphrey bogart's shoulder. she's in tears as she says something about him deciding for the both of them. she can't think anymore. and she would do whatever he decides. i remember as a teenager thinking, why can't she think for herself? why can't she make her own decisions about her own life. i was raised very much as an independent woman, doing and deciding for myself.

in connection, i was surprised when a very high powered lawyer friend said to me over lunch one day, that these days she's very much 'the damsel in distress,' 'rescue me!' she has no interest in doing it all on her own.

me personally, not doing it on my own has never been on the map in my mind. but i am surprised these days when i get to thinking i wouldn't mind being rescued. i know! how surprising. what i mean is, scoop me up, treat me sweet, and let's talk about how we can together sweeten our days. no longer do i feel like i want to go it alone. and no longer do i feel like it is necessary. much of these thoughts came to surface as i would swoon over the male main character in 'twilight' as his thoughts were in caring for and pleasing her. i like this idea.

darling have a heart

i've been reveling in the special posts of la belette rouge on the idea of home. and i must admit i love the lyrics from a video she posted. does anyone sincerely apologise anymore? and do they ask, beg and hope for your love. i love this idea. the lyrics go something like this...

'darling, have a heart, and don't let one mistake keep us apart. i was wrong and i know it. please forgive me. when i climb the stairs and turn the key... please be there saying thay you're still in love with me...'

thanks belle belette (http://www.labeletterouge.blogspot.com/)

a cup of comfort for writers

i met with Amanda the other day in Bryant park here in nyc. as she now lives in california, it's been years since i've seen her. i adore her. she always asks me about my writing, and encourages me. she always encourages me as well to send it out for publication. i had two professors say... well one said, 'i hope to see you on the new york times best sellers list. and the other would pass me in the hallway and say... i'm waiting for your book. and just as sweetly, when i once tried to introduce myself to one of my new professors he looked at me in all earnest and said, 'i know you, you're a poet.' (how sweet is that?)

at first, years ago, i thought i was not ready. now i am just fearful and undisciplined truth be told. while browsing through 'a cup of comfort for writers,' i'm reading an essay on rejection slips. and i thought i would like to at least get one rejection slip. you know what that might mean? it would mean i finally did what i needed to do to tell a story, or develope an idea into essay, polished a poem well enough for submission, and sent it out. i suppose someone would say 'thanks but no thanks.' but at least i know i tried. and that makes all the difference, i think. and as they say, fail forward into success.

past present

i read a lot on the subject of eastern philosophy. one of the teachings is that it is more beneficial to live in the moment, to be present in all things. this helps to eliminate longing and suffering. but how can i not want to visit the past when it looks like this. a moment that was once present in a paris courtyard in 1950.

twilight beauty

ok i'm in. i must admit that i am enjoying the book 'twilight.' there is a really beautiful scene that takes place in the character edward's house. the description of the space and the light and the mood is so glorious. i was weakened by the writer's words in that moment. i felt as if i was there and it was immensely pleasureable to be in the midst of such beauty. and then they are vampires right? i surprised myself and tickled myself when the thought crossed my mind... 'they can eat me if they want.'

the mood was so beautiful in that moment i just wanted to experience it. and if the vampires wanted to eat me, then so be it... the pleasure seemed worth the sacrifice...

"the house was timeless, graceful, and probably a hundred years old. it was painted a soft, faded white, three stories tall, rectangular and well proportioned...

the inside was even more surprising, less predictable, than the exterior. it was very bright, very open, and very large... but the walls had been removed from most of the first floor to create one wide space. the back, south-facing wall had been entirely replaced with glass, and, beyond the shade of the cedars, the lawn stretched bare to the wide river. a massive curving staircase dominated the west side of the room. the walls, the high-beamed ceiling, the wooden floors, and the thick carpets were all varying shades of white."
~from the book twilight.

i have this thing, i enjoy sitting on beautiful staircases and reading... i can just see me there, on those spiral staircases lost in story.

another dream

i dreamed last night that it was princess diana who greeted michael jackson when he 'crossed over.' it was her there, gentle and smiling...

i suppose i continue to mourn... true they are 'celebrities,' but people as well,

like you and me,

in all their glory and faults and foibles...